If you give me a fish, I'll eat it. If you teach me to fish, I'll starve to death.
First, I would feel sorry for the worm. Then, I would struggle trying to get the hook out without hurting the little fishy. Finally, I would throw the fish back just to give the poor thing another chance. If by some miracle, I did bring a fish home ... I would not know how to cook it.
Cooking does not come naturally to me at all. I took a Chinese cooking class with Matthew's mom. It might as well have been taught in Chinese. I didn't understand anything.
One of my problems is I become mentally paralyzed if a dish involves more than 3 steps or requires more than 3 ingredients. I don't know why. I have a pretty good memory for some things, I am good at following directions, and I am handy with tools. But, I cannot follow recipes. The food never looks, feels, or tastes like it should.
Another one of my problems is that I am systematic and organized. That is usually a good trait. But, in the kitchen, it means that ... if I'm peeling potatoes and something is burning on the stove, I have to finish peeling the potato in my hands before I can tend to the stove. I can multi-task though I rely on logical transition points.
My biggest problem is meat. When I was pregnant with Yana, I had a strong, physical repulsion to meat (with the exception of bacon, which I craved). That repulsion did not go away when Yana, Maria, Elena, or Bronson were born. I have tried my best to come up with a logical explanation rather than admit that it is a psychological hang-up.
The only kind of meat I could cook was holy chicken. I would buy frozen chicken fillets, drop them directly into boiling water, and then boil the h*ll out of them. It would be so much easier if I were a vegetarian. Is there a class of vegetarians that can eat bacon?
I am 42 and I have never really had to cook. Somehow for 40 years, God provided manna to the Israelites in the dessert. Somehow for 40 years, God provided food for me.
My mom lived next to us in Evanston for the past 8+ years. Before then, we had people staying with us who enjoyed cooking. Before then, I was a faculty associate at Northwestern University and one of my "responsibilities" was to eat with the students in the dining hall. Before then, I lived at home, at college, or at boarding school.
When we first planned to come to Spain, friends joked that I would HAVE TO learn to cook. Then Eugene and Amy decided to move with us and ... guess what? Amy loves to cook!! Woo hoo!Amy does enjoy cooking but it becomes a chore when cooking for eleven people every day. So, Matthew, Eugene, and I each cook one day a week and we let the children cook on Saturdays.
I was sharing my cooking dilemma with Elvira and she offered an exchange. I would teach her English and she would teach me how to cook. That is not really how it goes. I'm simply reminding Elvira of the English that she already knows but hasn't used regularly. She is trying to teach me how to cook (like teaching a fish how to ride a bicycle).
I was REALLY nervous before we started. Elvira is a forensic doctor ... the kind of doctor that performs autopsies. Before our first class, I imagined Elvira chop-chop-chopping all day at work and then coming over and chop-chop-chopping up dinner. I had nightmares that we would study the meat that we were preparing for dinner and figure out precisely how the animal died. I nearly psyched myself into a catatonic coma before our first class.
Then, Elvira came. She brought all the ingredients, pots, pans, and some kitchen gadgets that I had never seen before in my life. And ... she brought a box of latex gloves. Hallelujah! Latex gloves! Absolutely brilliant!!
Now there are two things that I must have in the kitchen ... 1. latex gloves so I don't have to touch the meat and 2. a pair of swimming goggles (that my niece, Kelly, taught me to use when cutting onions).
I thoroughly enjoy our classes. Mostly, I enjoy Elvira's company. She brings the ingredients ... sometimes partially (or completely) prepared. Then she shows me what to do (over and over and over again).
The classes are not always smooth. I am all thumbs and often have difficult negotiating seemingly simple tasks. One day, I dropped the pepper shaker ... it hit the floor and exploded. Elvira yelled, "Don't breathe!" I was sneezing for two days. Another day after watching me try to fry chicken in hot oil, Elvira sent me a link to a video about preventing and putting out fires in the kitchen. It was not exactly a vote of confidence, but it was a dose of reality.
This is a picture of me serving Cuban rice plate (arroz a la cubana). After I finished cooking, it took me about 10 minutes to build each plate ... so the eleven of us ate over a two hour period and only the first two were warm.
One of my first goals was to learn to make tortilla de patatas (potato omelettes). Well, they don't look like they are supposed to but they taste pretty good! That's a start!
I'll never make guacamole like Isabel and I'll never compete with Heidi's children (http://www.spatulatta.com/). But, I will consider myself successful if I can feed my family without burning the house down ... though I may need Elvira to come home with us.
No comments:
Post a Comment